I wasn’t entirely sure what to title this post. I’m in the middle of a weird point on my journey. I have this overwhelming sense of hope and expectation of God. Knowing that he can do exceedingly, abundantly above all I can ask or think according to the power that works in us (Ephesians 3:20). But at the same time my impatience places a damper of doubt on my faith. I am praying for several things most of which are spiritual rather than physical.
Its like I feel them so close and I can sense God calling me deeper but I just can’t seem to reach where he wants me to go or grab hold of what I’ve asked him for. I don’t know if I’m making much sense. Frankly, I’m still trying to grasp what the heck is going on with me myself.
I know my Father and I know that he loves me and is always there for me. And I love abiding in his presence. Its like cuddling with your dad on the couch watching your favorite shows. Being “up under” God is my comfort zone and I don’t want to move…at all. But every now and again, he nudges me to step from under him and he makes me go experience different things “on my own”. ( I realize I’m never really on my own, he is always there to guide and help me up if i fall) But I hate the unknown. I hate getting scared or worried. Even knowing that God is there to protect me and help me. I still just would reeeealllyyyy rather not have to go through stuff. You know?!
And why is it that the very thing or things you ask God for, everyone else gets it? Huh? What’s up with that, Lord? If I didn’t know better I would stop asking and then nobody would get anything..lol. Clearly, I know that’s not how it works but goodness. This season sure is trying. Smiling and being genuinely happy for others but thinking after the celebration,
“God- now you know I have been asking for that exact thing! That ain’t right Lord. That’s messed up. I’m happy for her. I mean, we both could have been doing this thing together. But alright, you know best! “
That’s how the conversation goes in my head. I’m doing my best to walk in the path that God has ordained for me. Hoping that in due time, it really will be my turn. My turn to flourish. The Holy Spirit usually checks me when I start questioning God. Luke 16:10 says “Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much.” So as much as I want to run through this awkward experience and go back into my nook under God. I will be faithful to keep doing exactly what he told me to do and go exactly where he wants me to go. Or stay grounded where he plants me. Jeremiah 17:8 says “They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit”.
Weird season and all. I will be faithful with my little and bear fruit for God!
Love ya to Peace,