Guys today’s random post is going to be all over the place so please bare with me. Just by the title alone you can understand that this is just a total rambling of all my thoughts.

Let’s start off ….

#BlackLivesMatter! SIGH… I don’t even know where to begin. I don’t have a facts chart to post or an eloquent poem to recite. All I have really is a broken heart. I keep trying to make sense about what could possible make a person kill another person based on their skin color ( white vs.color) or even based on ones occupation (civilians vs. police). I think I’ve mentioned this before- I think I can classify myself as a kind of empath. So literally, I feel the pain of this world, in particular at the moment- this country. This week I had no choice but to break away from social media and the news etc. I definitely had to after watching the extended footage of the #PhilandoCastile shooting. In which his 4 year old baby girl was in the back seat of the car when he was murdered and towards the end of the video you clearly hear her little voice COMFORTING …………… ( let that image and sound sink in for a moment)……. This baby just witnessed death and she is offering comfort to her mother stating, “it’s okay. I’m here. I’m right here.” She’s a baby! Yet to comprehend any type of hatred. Most children, LOVE officers. Most think that officers are the coolest people on earth. So imagine the effect this horrific encounter will have on her. Truth be told, I am VERY afraid of encountering law enforcement now. Simply because I am black. No other reason. Let’s not forget the flip side to this. Reckless loose cannon people who take a life for a life. Shortly after the death of #AltonSterling and #PhilandoCastile the #Dallas5 were killed and several others injured. I have family that are officers. I am also very afraid for their lives. I don’t want to get a phone call or wake up to the new and see their names as a hashtag too. So right now, as I write this I am filled with fear. Now as a Christian, I know that this is NOT a surface battle as many understand it to be. This war is spiritual. I also know how we can win this battle spiritually BUT the problem is getting everyone aligned.

14 if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land. – 2 Chronicles 7:14

Its sad to say but I think we’re too far gone to even recognized that we need divine intervention. To seek that help from God, obey what HE calls us to do and allow him to heal our land. It’s sad to say but I have lost hope.

The Next topic looming in my mind. My current season of life. Ya’ll idk what I’m suppose to be doing, I’m nervous about the future. I honestly feel like I’m just looming around waiting for my life to start. IDK what is happening. I’m fighting to seek God and his direction. I feel just lost really and alone. I know what God’s Word tells me. He will never leave me or forsake me. That his Word is as a lamp to my feet. That his Holy Spirit will guide me. But for some reason, the message is getting lost in translation. I recently went through a very difficult few weeks where I was battling heavily with unforgiveness and by the grace of God and lots of prayer ( continuing still) I’ve overcome that situation. Now, it seems this loneliness is out to kick my butt. Everyone is getting engaged and starting families. Even my ex ( totally happy for him now after lots of prayer) But I find myself thinking… wait, did I miss something? Am I doing this wrong? I’m intentionally pursuing the Lord, following his Word, remaining pure- checking myself regularly to make sure I’m pure in spirit and heart. What’s wrong with me? Then the insecurities step in… And I KNOW who I am in Christ. I KNOW his Word. I guess somewhere, somehow I’m struggling to believe his promise towards me.

Now that I’m truly thinking and mixing everything in together, idk if I want to get married and have babies in this day and time. I can’t fathom the fear wives and mothers have at this moment for Black Men and Officers.

I just don’t know ya’ll. These are just some of the thoughts swarming around in my head. There’s plenty more but these two are the top two at the moment. My daily prayer, is for mercy, grace and forgiveness. For the Holy Spirit of God to guide us. I pray you all are safe and that the Love of God through Christ Jesus is in each of your hearts.

I hear a lot that what we need is more love. I agree. GOD IS LOVE.  (1 John 4:8)

Love Ya to Peace,

One thought on “Therapy

  1. I can relate to your season of looming in terms of my ministry work. at times it can be discouraging but I try my best to maintain my transparent convos with God. I tell him my fears, my anger, my confusion and I ask him for a spirit of discernment. I pray that we both receive clarity and direction soon.

    Liked by 1 person

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