Jumping right on it… being real with you guys this one isn’t so beautiful and inspiring
For the past couple of days I have been very angry with God. I feel very hurt and disappointed. I think about how much I am trying my best to live right. To make sure I please him because he is God. But I realize I’ve been expecting something from him too. I think about the fact that I am single and how horribly my last situation ended. Then I think about the countless people who I see getting into relationships,getting married and having families. Some of these people barely talk to God. They have sex whenever before marriage, they get drunk and act a fool and some are even disrespectful to others. They rarely participate in any kingdom event yet they are able to find their partner in life and love.
Then there is me… Struggling but making the conscious effort everyday to live how God would want me to live. Trying my best to be kind and respectful to everyone (even those that are mean to me). I make sure I’m in constant communication with God and being lead by the spirit and not my flesh. Even when I am tired ( as in the case of this week) I push. I push to pray, to serve, and to be what God wants me to be. I can’t help but think is this what I have to sacrifice for God? Love? marriage? If so, honestly I would be totally okay with that if God would take away the desire.
I guess I just feel tired. I am one of those people that will smile, support and encourage others while I’m battling depression and angry within myself. But every now and then , I get weak and I simply cannot be that cheerful person. Right now, I’ve been fighting this feeling but I am quite disappointed with God.
Last night I woke up because of this issue. I tried to fight it by thinking of all the things God has already done for me and how other people have real problems. I am so grateful for all the blessings God has given me and my family. There are not even words in the human languages to express my gratitude but somehow I can’t shake this sadness. God and I have been having this “battle” for quite sometime and its just that I’ve gotten to the point where I am truly tired. I’ve come to the conclusion however, that I shouldn’t want to find love here on earth. I’m coming to peace really with the idea that love for me will occur when I get to heaven.
I’m trying to figure out if God created me to be orderly and disciplined and planned then why is he taking me in every direction but those. I feel very unplanned and spontaneous on this journey with him. I am just tired guys. I kinda sorta feel defeated. I keep saying in my head that I’ll be fine without love and that I don’t need it or want it. But my heart…. man oh man, my heart.
Anywho, Like I said, I don’t think God has my love story anywhere near here. Its in the end of my earthly life and hopefully beginning of my eternal one.
Love ya to Peace,